dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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