Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize