Non-Jews are for practice
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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