Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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