Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize