I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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