i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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