Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
