I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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