Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I need a burrito and a hug.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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