This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
