You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize