My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
