Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh god it's open bar.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
