Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
