Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I need a beard to bite.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
