dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
