oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
