It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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