Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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