Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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