im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
