After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
