So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
