what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
this beer tastes like vomit already
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
