I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
