mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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