I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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