I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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