I just saw a hot homeless man
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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