when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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