oh god the rape fog is back!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
