i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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