I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
