I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
