i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i came on her dog
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
