I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
