is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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