I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
