i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
