Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
