dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
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