I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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