You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
