I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
