U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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