Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
