He uses pillows to masturbate.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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