Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
