mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
