everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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