It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
