Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
