The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize