My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
