my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
