i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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