I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
