today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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