There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize