TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
