Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize