So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
