Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
