If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
