If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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